I know you are tempted but......

I read an article not too long ago and I reposted it here because of some need for tweaking...so with Further ado....

Dear Nana, Meme and Poppy, 

Ahhh, yes, here we go again. The most wonderful time of the year. For you. For me it’s more like let’s see how much more crap I can fit in my house until TLC comes knocking at my door because they think I’m an  hoarder. I know that you guys are so excited about all the stuff you can buy for your grandkids this holiday, but not so fast. Before you whip out your Amex/Target/Mastercards, check out this little list of “guidelines” I’ve made for you this year. The following is a list of presents NOT to buy my kids this holiday.

1. Anything alive. Because you know what happens to things that are alive? They die. And you know what sucks? Explaining to my kid why Fluffer Nutter the hamster is as hard as a rock and stuck in his tube. And you know what sucks even worse? Fucker Nutter living a healthy life for years and years to come. Because guess who has to clean his E coli-infested poop cage. Yours  truly. As if wiping two butts besides my own isn’t enough already.

2. Stocking stuffers. Or as I like to call them, cheap pieces of crap. I get enough crappy stocking stuffers year-round for free. They’re called McDonald’s Happy Meal toys. Would you like fries with that? And how about a plastic piece of crap that was made in China and causes cancer.

3. Any toy that hurts when I accidentally step on it with bare feet. I don’t care if the ER doctor is Johnny Depp. Getting a bristle block surgically removed from my heel is not worth it.

4. Any toy without an off button. And you know what, I’m going a step further and saying any toy with an off button that doesn’t turn off IMMEDIATELY when you push it. You know the crap I’m talking about. You push the off button and it keeps on yapping, “Woof, woof! Thanks for playing! I’ll see you again later!” I pushed off. If I wanted you to keep talking I would have pushed the dissertation button. It’s like when you’re on the phone and you tell someone you have to go and they say okay but then proceed to ask you a thousand questions.

5. Any toy that requires me to play it with them. Toys are how I keep my kids busy while I’m trying to get important things done around the house. Like the laundry, and the dishes, and waxing my mustache, and pooping.

6. Barbie dolls. I know I’m supposed to be against them because they give my daughter a false sense of a woman’s body shape, but that’s not what I’m worried about. My kid has no sense of negative self-image yet. If she did, she wouldn’t be doing naked downward dog every night while I’m trying to get her into a pull-up. Nope, I’ll tell you who doesn’t need to see hourglass Barbie  everywhere. Me. If I want to feel like crap about my body I just look in my full-length mirror. I don’t need a nine-inch plastic doll to make me feel like ahippopotomus hippapotamus (how do you spell this word?!) hippo.

7. This toy.

Just in case this catalog came to your house too, don’t you dare buy this. I know it looks original and all, but I’ll bet this is the kind of stuff Jeffrey Dahmer got when he was a kid. I can already picture it. First my kid will be playing with this, and before you know it she’ll be playing with the neighbor's cat carcass, and then one day the police will show up to take what I thought was leftover meatballs out of my garage freezer but really it’s our babysitter’s head.

8. And speaking of carcasses, stuffed animals. To say we don’t need anymore is the understatement of the year. You know that game where there are a million stuffed animals in a big glass box and you have to steer the claw to try to pluck one out? Sometimes I feel like I live in that. One day I fully expect the claw to drop down through our ceiling.

9. Talking dolls. For one, they creep me  out. The way they talk without their lips moving like ventriloquists. Freaky. And here’s another reason I can’t stand them. Do you know what talking dolls say? Stuff like, “Mommy, feed me,” and “I wet myself Mommy. Time for a diaper change!” This is the kind of crap I already hear like 40 times an hour from my own kids, so why in God’s name would I want to hear more of that?

10. Horns, drums, cymbals, pianos, microphones, guitars, maracas, tambourines, bells, whistles, mp3 players, karaoke machines, sirens, rattles, buzzers, alarms, toys that beep, buzz, or have one of those annoying ladies who sings like she’s all serious and stuff like my middle school guitar-wielding music teacher.

That’s it. Good luck out there! You’re gonna  need it.

Love and kisses,

Because I’m The Mom ;)

The original is here-----> http://www.chicagonow.com/baby-sideburns/2012/11/what-not-to-fing-buy-my-kids-this-holiday/

Mental Photographs

There are times in life where you assess your surroundings and you just know without the shadow of a doubt that you will remember this Moment forever....

There will be no need to run and get your camera {Although you will anyway}; Because this Moment is instantly, like a snapshot, forever embedded in you memory.  Every detail.
     
      
       The sun shinning perfectly through the golden leaves of the fall morning, The way the breeze is just enough to blow some leaves to fall and the smell of Autumn lingers in the air.  Almost dream like, you know instantly its a memory being born. A mental photograph instantly etched in your heart.  
       The smell of my daughter's hair. The biscuit in her right hand/ The grass stained knees of my boys. The visual of the boys jumping off the top of the slide.  The dogs faint bark in the background. The way the sun catches their blonde hair. Almost Heavenly.  

       Sometimes Cameras don't express what you are feeling, sometimes there is nothing as good as savoring every moment and remembering life's wonderful blessings while they are  today. Taking Mental Photographs along the way.  <3

It's a Dirty Job. But this is how you do it... (Potty Training)

          "Buzz Lightyear is sad, He doesn't want you to poop on him!"   Alot of people ask me how do I potty train so quickly. I always tell them I will write a blog, and I get busy and forget, well HERE is that blog.

          I have potty trained about 10 children, Only one of them took longer than 2 weeks. And that was my Caleb.  How is it done so quick? Before I get into the dirty and consuming process there are some rules I live by when potty training.

1) First and Most important: DON'T USE PULLUPS!  You are wasting your money.  Your Child does NOT know the difference between that and a diaper, so they are not only expensive but confusing. Therefor prolonging the training journey.

2) Buy that one package of characters or 'insert childs intrest here'. It is important that the child knows that they are 'destroying' something they love by having accidents in them.  Be Prepared to THROW them away (the undies not the kid)

3) TIMING with AGE: I know you want to stop changing diapers, I know they say that girls train earlier than boys...BUT: I dont even think about training a child until they are between 30-33months.  WHY? Because the earlier you train them the LONGER it takes! There are lots of reasons for this, but by the time the child is this age they COMPLETELY understand when you are disappointed in them.  

4)It is not only OK, but crucial that a child understands the negatives in this process, now I am not saying punish them for their accident. I am saying to let them know that you AND Buzz lightyear are disappointed after the first week. Because by then you have given them direct instructions and they now know  that its unacceptable to pee on the floor but in the toilet.

5) Buy the ($7 at walmart) portable little cushion toilet seat that fits on the big potty. [beware personal opinion]  The little potties are cute, but GROSS. And Alot of time you have to potty train a child twice because the big toilet is a SCARY thing for little butts. And they will have to be taught to sit on this too!

6) TALK: Explain the process. You child is SMART. VERY SMART.  They need comfort to understand what is going on. Children in that age don't have control of anything, everything is out of their hands, EXCEPT the ability to poop/pee wherever they want! If you think a 30month old don't understand the desire for control, you must have never experienced the "MINE syndrome" :)

7) REWARD: Reward systems need to be simple and different for each child. My latest child I used one m&m for pee and 2 for poop, because my Jude loves Chocolate:)

8) Some people restrict child of liquids during this time so that they dont have to run them to the potty too much, I offer them an abundance of fluids, restricting of fluids is not safe and lots of fluid ensures lots of accidents but more hits!

THE PROCESS:

Once you heard the rules the process is simple:)

Buy about 3 packages of undies keep out 15 diapers. hide the rest. UNLESS you have more children in diapers if you do, then the 8 diapers need to be marked somehow, I put potty training child's initial on it.  7  diapers will be for bed time, 7 for nap and the last diaper will be for the child to discard.  First things first! Sit down with that one diaper and tell the child. This is it, you are a big boy/girl now....no more diapers for you, this is the last diaper unless you are napping. Show them their WONDERFUL, really AMAZING, The extreme of COOL, Underwear!!! Woo HOO!! ITs all VERY exciting, put them on, Have child throw out diaper and make sure every step is the absolute AWESOMEST thing your baby has EVER done, then back to the potty room where they are shown every single thing from how to flush to the "busy box" (A box of things the child can only use in the potty will differ from each child, books, stickers, crayons, electronics, special toy or puzzles..etc) Explain the reward system and the new potty seat:). Would helpful if you could show them u doing all these BIG people things, Make it seem like his/her idea,their right of passage, an honor;). I like to sing the abc song while washing the hands, it ensures they wash there hands long enough.  After that ask if they want to try, usually they will excitedly. If they say no, say ok, but let them know they will be back to sit in a half hour, because they dont understand time, I use a timer. Explain to the child when the bell goes off, its potty time again.  GIVE THEM LOTS of FLUIDS!  Let them run around in their undies.   Try to plan training time on a week or two where you have NO PLANS to Go ANYWHERE! Because putting a diaper/pull up on child at all this first 2 weeks WILL confuse them.  Atleast try and map out a week at minimal.  Continue day one by bringing them to potty and setting them on it every half hour, if they have an accident, explain to them that BUZZ does NOT like to be peed on.  Choose another pair of undies and set them on the potty till they are ready to get up:) If they go potty make a giant deal out of it:) If not the first couple of days just keep reminding them that they potty onthe toliet now and set the timer for 30minutes. Around day 3 or 4 you can usually put them to nap without a diaper maybe even bed,  just make sure that they sit on the potty before and immediately when they get up.  After a week you should have a fully potty trained baby, but because they are still little they are gonna need your assistance for about a year:) days vary, kids vary. Any question let me know:)  Hope this helps:)!

P.S...if they dont seem to be getting it, just hang in there it will get better, once you start training you CAN'T stop or go back because they will get confused and it will be near impossible to get them back to the,' Mom is not going back on this' idea.  Extra tip: Day 3 is usually really hard,  but it works out, keep striving, even when they act like the floor is a potty, they will get it shorty, I promise. :) 

<3 Momma Dee

Meanwhile in the Blakeman house.... 

             People always say to me, "Your kids say some funny things, you should write them down."  Well people here they are a list of quotes directly from the walls of the Blakeman home. This is where famous quotes are made:)  Enjoy!

Quotes from our home:


"Why did the Chicken cross the road?"-Isaac to Caleb   "To get to Buzz light year." -Caleb. (? only Caleb)

"Mom, can I go outside and play?"..."Isaac, muddy and rainy out."..."But Mom, I am a boy, I am suppose to be muddy." Who could argue with such logic?
Uncle Dan to Jadon: "jadon dont lean on that its cheap" Jadon to uncle Dan: "Yes, (he hits it) its CHHHEEEAP!" :):)

 (Noah enters the room with towel on his head) "Aye Matey"...(I look at him)..."Look Mom, Im a Pirate.":)Noah Blakeman

Jude was the first one up this morning he was watching Little einsteins. The Girl asks. "Can you say petroglyph?" Jude replies "No. Cant":)

When wrapping Noah's presents I say to Dan, "I am the worst wrapper, Ever!" Dan replies, "No. Vanilla Ice was." :)

"Noah were you throwing tissues down the toilet and flushing?" Noah- "No Mom, it was the dinosaur.rawr.":)

"Hi. My name is Caleb. And I love my Mommy."-Caleb Blakeman (to the guy at Cici's)

"AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!, AHHHH!,AHHH!"(caleb) "What is going on?" (Me) "Noah, is throwing his donuts."(Caleb) "Really Caleb,Really?" (me) "Did a donut fly up smack you on the head and bust your head open?"(me) "No."(Caleb) "Then there is no reason for screaming like that."(me) -Terrible mom quote

"Isaac, you should always remember, you are not better than anyone else...always remember to stay humble." Isaac replies, "Im humble. Im like the humblest person ever. Like No one is more humbler than me." (OH BOY! Yeah I think its time for a visit to Webster...Or a good ol' fashion lesson...LOL!)

"Mom?" "Yes, Isaac?" Isaac says "It's great to finally get some quiet." HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh the Irony!!!!!!!

"What the heck was that?"-Dan. "It was a low jet."-Me. "That didnt sound like a jet. That sounded like someone stepped on King Kongs foot."-Dan

Man comes to my door. Offers me a prize, with one catch. He comes in and cleans a room of my choice. Top to bottom. My response: "Run away while you still can, you dont wanna do this, its not worth it" :) Yes, I said that. LOL! (He left.)



Caleb (6yrs): "Isaac, Look..I like that truck."
Isaac (8yrs): "Caleb, thats a Chevy. That is America's truck. Its tough and its the BEST!"
Caleb: "Oh...I like that truck, its big."
Isaac: "Dude, Thats a Dodge. You can tell by the Ram on the front. Its probally the toughest truck on the road."
Caleb: "ISAAC, Oh...I like that yellow truck!"
Isaac: "Caleb, Caleb, Caleb, Thats a Ford. They suck."
{Im not the best Mom, but I must be doing something right.lol}


"Mom" -"Yes, Isaac?" Isaac says, "Were people in the old days really in black and white?" -"No, Isaac the TV had no color yet." Isaac replies- "OOOH. So everyone saw in dog vision?"

Isaac runs Noah to the front window. "Noe, look! It snowed." Noah starts laughing, and says "Look, the car is a snowman!":)

Isaac to me... "Mom, Jude is poopy! (since he is sorta training) I say, "Are you sure?" Isaac says "YES! He has the rotten smell of dead fish."
Jude (talking to himself on the toilet) "Knock, Knock?" Answers self, "Who's There?" Replies to self, "Dinosaur Rex?" Answers. "WHHHAAATT?" *growls and bites his own finger.* Then...*Slaps himself* "Naughty Dinosaur Rex!" *Puts head down sadly* "grrrrrr" (in a discouraging tone)

Dan says. "Hannah can work out too." Isaac says "Girls dont work out, they are suppose to have big bellies....atleast I think they look better like that."

*Phone Rings* Me: Hello? Eliyahu: Dee, Dont Throw away the chicken! Elizabeth (in Background): Eliyah I know you didnt call that girl at 1 in the morning about some fried chicken! E:It isnt just any chicken, Its Tully's. LOL!!!!!! I love you guys!!!! In Liz's voice. "What in the World?"

"MOOOMMMM" Angry cries from Caleb from the other room. "MOOOOMMM". Me-"Oh my Gosh, what CALEB?" Caleb- "Noah jumped on me!!!!" Me- "Are you ok, Noah?" Noah- "yep" :)

"What did the story of Joseph teach you?" Isaac's reply, "I learned to forgive and that God has a plan for my life."

"Yep, I do crazy."-Noah

SO...I spanked Jude and he looks at me and smiles and kisses me and says "Mom, I happy." Um yeah, I think that backfired.


Bible Study with the kids: Upon learning about sacrifical Love, Isaac says "Daddy, you dont mean sacrifice like on an alter, right?" Dan- "no" Isaac-"Good. Cause I dont want to sacrifice Caleb."

 Me- "Isaac, At Jesus' tomb who rolled away the stone and sat on it?" Isaac- "I dont know." Me- "C'mon Isaac, had to be someone really strong." Isaac- "Bilhah?" Dan- "Really Isaac, Rachel's handmaid?"

"Mama"(Jude). "Hey Jude!"(Me) "I'm Sad."(Jude) *breaks out in song* "Heeeeyyy Juude...Dont be so sad, Just take a sad song and make it better."(Me) "Mama, Jude's Happy."(Jude)
Yep. It really went down like that, dont judge, you wouldnt have handled it anyother way.:)

"dont Freaten me Mommy, Dont Freaten me not to touch that." -Noah (age 3)


"Isaac, Did you even hear me?!?!"(me) "YES!" (Isaac) "well what did I say?!?" (Me) (Isaac replies)"Grape American bacon!" Yep cause that makes sense.

Everyday Jude wakes up for Nap he comes down and says "Hey Mom, its me..Jude." So today he came down from nap he says "Hey Mom, its me-" (I cut him off) and I say "Its you...Jude." He says no Mom. "Its me...Super Hero." :)

(Me whispering) "Noah, come here, I got a secret." (Noah drops his voice to a whisper) "Is it a secret Banana?"

"We will all be ourselves, Noah, you're Noah. Jude is Jude and I'm Isaac" -Says Isaac. Caleb replies, "And I'm MegaMan." (me whispering to myself, ha.awesome.) Caleb back up his claim, "See, told ya. Mom says I'm awesome."

I walked into the room just in time to see Isaac slap Caleb in the face...He didnt see me, I said to him, "Did you just hit him?" Isaac's reply "NO. I was moving and my hand swung into his face."

"This little piggy went to the 'Walmarket'. This little piggy had a banana. This little piggy likes chocolate. This little piggy went home. This little piggy went wee wee wee all the way to the toilet." -Jude

"Mom...There's Hannie." (Says Jude) "Yes."(says me) "She's my best friend."(Jude)

Me, Isaac and Jamie DeJohn Lupo. Isaac- "Mom, look its a mini woodpecker!" Me looking- "Isaac, thats not a woodpecker, what makes you think its a woodpecker?" Isaac- "Um, its got a beak." Me- "Isaac, ALL birds have beaks." Me too Jamie- "homeschooling-Your doing it wrong." Jamie- "Epic Fail" Hey JAMIE-"Friendship= You're doing it wrong."

(Isaac in the closet) "Caleb, come walk by this door and see what happens." (caleb) "Uh NO!" "C'mon Caleb it will be fun, see what happens to you." "no." "C'mon Caleb walk by the door." "Really Isaac, what do you think I am?" (Isaac pauses) "NOOOAAHHH...."

"Noah-Jude...Dont run with Pencils!" Isaac-"at least it isnt scissors." me- "well he has a point (pun intended) carry on."

Jude places tiara on Hannah's head...."I now name you Princess Hannie."

We were walking around the Zoo yesterday and a Muslim woman in full garb (Head to toe only black and the only thing showing was the rectangle for her eyes) walked past us and Caleb proclaimed really loud and with a pointed finger and unbridled excitement... "LOOK! A Ninja!"


"Caleb, Who do you think is more important, you or Hannah?"(Isaac continues before Caleb can continue) "I was keeping Hannah safe, I really don't care who gets hurt."
DEAR HANNAH's Future Prospects, I'm am sor....Actually I'm not really.

"Isaac, Did you just put Angelina Ballerina on?"-me "Yes. I put it on for Hannie."-Isaac "Um, Isaac, She's sleeping."-me "I guess then I'll have to watch it for her."-Isaac "Yes, Isaac, I'm SURE it wasn't cause you wanted to watch it, Good Brother always looking out for Sissy." -me "yep, thats it."-Isaac (:p)

"Mom, Shut that off and get in the kitchen." -Jude

Jude holds up his hand (ready for a high five) says, "Up High." "Now down low." "Now this side" "Now this place." annndd "In your FACE"!

Isaac singing to Noah, says "Who built the Ark??" (expecting Noah to finish the song by singing "Noah,Noah.") Noah says Nothing. So Isaac repeats the song over and over a couple times....Till apparently Noah got tired of it... Isaac sings "Who built the Ark?" Noah finally replies...."ME" :)

"Mom, Trust me. I know more about Spiders than Bill Nye the Science Guy." -Isaac

"Babe, dont take this the wrong way, but in that shirt you look like Chris Farley on Tommy Boy." -Dan

Caleb this morning grabs a pancake and starts patting it. I say "Bean, What are you doing?" He replies, "Panny cake, Panny cake, bakers man!"

Caleb to Isaac "im gonna hit you." Isaac to Caleb, "I dont care, I am gonna do whats right, and turn the other cheek."

Isaac to Caleb..."Why are you on my team?" Caleb to Isaac..."Because I love you."

Dan to Caleb (when playing basketball on the wii): "Caleb you're on Fire!"...Caleb stops and rolls on the ground...."Caleb, No...dont stop, drop and roll!":)

"Jude giggling. *insert fart here* Jude- "Oh! I'm Awesome!""

"It is common knowledge that Sea Monkeys cant hatch or survive when children are Loud and Crazy." -Me


"‎"hey mom, How come my teeth didnt shine, you know when in the cartoons when they smile and it goes 'ching' and shines, did mine do that?"-Isaac"

"Dan to boys, "Im gonna build a bubble to keep you all safe in." Caleb replies, "Don't forget to put a Wii in it, Daddy."

"Caleb just came to me crying, saying "you know whats sad? He just left the whale, he loved him, but, he left him there." They are watching free willy

"‎*while watching disney movie*"Mom"..."Yes, Isaac?" "next time you teach me a lesson, are you suppose to sing it to me?"

"‎"Momma?" yes Caleb?. "you're my bestest friend in the world". And your my Love. "And you Momma are my heart.".